Sarah's last day

For those who have watched this from afar and/or have listened to me talk about Sarah doggy in emails and have been so supportive...She is going to be put down this evening here at home. I've no doubt it is the best thing for her.

Lady Lazurus, for the moment

What a damned day. My eyeballs are hot and scratchy from crying so much. I found a vet in town with a website that specifically cites doing home euthanizing and they are the same folks who have the only pet crematorium too (yeah, I know, convenient). I sent off an email and thought I'd not hear from them till tomorrow because of their office hours, but got a call almost right away, asking if it was a good time to talk. I had to say, yes. I have not come to the final decision, but want to have things in place for when it comes. Sarah has been incontinent the last couple of nights, which is another bad sign and is still just as crazy dizzy as can be. I cried and cried on the phone, while doing my best to keep it together and listening to the fella on the other end be understanding and telling me anecdotes about pets and then praising me for being diligent for Sarah dog for when the time comes. I thought I had a better handle on this, but was a puddle of salty water long after the phone call ended.

A couple of times this afternoon I ended up in the front yard dealing with folks about issues with a gravel problem I have...reason I bring this up is while out there, through an open living room window I could hear Sarah crying and crying for me, not barking but a sad whine. She doesn't cry when in pain or when she suddenly falls, but couldn't take me being away from her. This is new since she's been sick.

Now, I'm sitting here typing while Sarah doggy is going at a big ole rawhide bone like the beast woman she has always been. It has been WEEKS since she was able or up to chew on a bone. Last week, she tried once and was so unsteady she couldn't even grip it or get her mouth around it...now I'd not know she is sick from the teeth grinding sound effects and vigor that she is showing.

Maybe my phone conversation with the pet assassin has got her thinking about a come back? It was worth the stress if that's the case. Heck, I'll start fake calling vets and having one-sided conversation with them about maybe putting my dog down. Yeah, that's the ticket...Of course, she is deaf, but that is beside the point.

The Complaint Department and Playing with fire

My dog has been really sick. A couple of weeks ago, after the first dosage of pills didn't work I was given the option of some really expensive antibiotics that may, if they seem to make a difference, may need to be given for three months. No problem. Short of the horrid 3k operation that I'd not do even if it was 20 bucks and short of Sarah doggy not being overly stressed, I'm all for giving it a go. But, the odds aren't real good and I asked the vet that had been treating Sarah that IF she doesn't get better or is too miserable if she could come to our home and do the deed. Sarah is extraordinarily terrified of the vets and making that trauma be her last moments just isn't an option. The vet said that she didn't see why she couldn't come and do that; she's witnessed Sarah's distress at the clinic. It was a HUGE relief for me to hear those words, that if I had to make that decision, at least I knew that option was open for a peaceful home ending. Fast-forward to Thursday when Sarah was doing real bad. Her steroids had run out and I suspected that is why she was having a big relapse, so I called the vet and this time she said she would have to ask her superiors about coming to the house to euthanize Sarah if needed after saying it would be okay. I asked her to please ask and also told her if she could not come to the house, I'd start making phone calls and find someone who would. The next day the person at the clinic who gave me Sarah's steroids said the owners of the clinic 'would prefer I tranquilize Sarah and bring her in to be put down' if it comes to That. I repeated that I would not. And even though he said the owners would give me a call (this was Friday morning) I've not heard from them.

I'm resolved to not get another dog. I can't take another loss...but if I was so inclined I sure as hell would never take it to this clinic.

So, I get to call around town, yellow-pages in front of me open to Veterinarians and look for someone who would be willing to come to my house and assassinate my dog if the situation comes to that. Fuck.

My nerves are completely shot. Sarah is a brave soldier and I am a total, bawling wimp. August 1988, I quit smoking. I was a two packaday fiend. The last couple of years, I've considered trying it again--crazy I know, I hate the smell, but liked the sensation. In a desperate move to find an outlet to calm down and also as an excuse to give it a shot, I've have six cigs in the past five days. They smell awful, but still taste good and there is nothing else like the focused, relaxing sensation of having a few puffs. I get dizzy, just like I did when I was thirteen and started up. I really don't want to have that monkey on my back...but I am counting on for now that one cig a day won't result in a habit. It has been a small, but welcome respite. Did I mention I am a wimp?

Theme of the day:

Better watch what you ask for, because you just might get it.

Raven and Moon by Terry Isaac

click picture to enlarge **

Here is the canvas I picked up yesterday (see Hamburg post). The raven is a bit bigger than life-sized. The canvas is about 12x17, an unusual, longish size that seems perfect. When I said it was simple, I meant it. The painting of the raven is so precise, I think you can see why I couldn't initially tell if it was a photo or from a painting. It is printed onto canvas that is then stapled to a frame, so it does have the appearance of an original painting. It is limited to 99 pieces along with 9 artist proofs, which didn't show up on a quick online search. I imagine they (the A/P's) are terribly expensive since this puppy wasn't exactly cheap.

The one thing about this raven that isn't accurate (far as I can tell) is that they actually have a small 'barb' at the end of their beak; just a small faintly hooked thing. Because I am up close and personal with my pair of ravens I know about this...but I can see why it was not painted. I think it would compete with the diminutive crescent moon with its similar curve. It was a disposable attribute.

** I'm seeing that the raven seems a bit 'foggy' on screen. The black of the picture itself is a saturated black and quite clear, just as if it as a photo. With texture of the canvas, I don't know how to capture the true colours. It still looks awesome (I think!) In life, there is a a 3D quality to the raven, almost like it is coming off the canvas...it's hard to explain.

Netflix U

I joined Netflix about a year ago when my nextdoorneighbor had a free month invite. Initially I slopped up movies but then quickly realized there was so much learning material to be had and have been enjoying brushing up on stuff that not attending high school probably left off my plate.
Things like:

Napoleon. I watched a wonderful two disc PBS production that told me everything I didn't know about Napoleon and so much of European history at that time.

The Impressionists, a BBC mini-series about the French impressionists. I was hoping that somewhere in there they'd mention Signac, an artist I fell in awe with several years ago when there was a large showing of his work at NYC's Met Museum. It was eye opening to see how revolutionary these artists had to be to uncurl the steely grasp of the olde guarde.

Mary Cassatt. Although I admire her art, it is not my cup of tea. But she too was revolutionary in her lifestyle as an artist and against the old school in her treatment of her subjects.

The Life and Times of Frida Kahlo. A documentary. What a life this woman lead. With so much pain but so much vitality and talent. She dressed as a male at one point during her adolescence; truly a woman with no regard for the status quo. We really need to hear more about folks who dare to go against the tide of conformity, under any guise.

Bukowski: Born into This. What a character. Another rebel. I'm detecting a theme at this point. You don't always like him, but are always interested.

Frank Lloyd Wright--a Ken Burns film. If Falling Water doesn't bring tears to your eyes, then I feel sorry for you! His was a long and eventful life. A big character and big talent.

and last night I finished watching:
Howard Zinn: You Can't Be Neutral. Damn. This guy is a national treasure. He easily flips what you take for granted into a focus of clarity, of reality that has been shaded by propoganda by politicians and our government. I don't even think "they" realize what a crock our actions and policies are when it comes to our status as a world power and how WE decide who to impose or engage in w.a.r. The sixties, it seems fixed very little afterall--at least when it comes to war.

Well, it's not a complete list of stuff, but a sampling...and maybe you'll be inspired to opt for something cerebral along with the movie you've been waiting to see...

My White Stripes Hamburg silkscreen poster

I had a couple of White Stripes posters professionally framed and picked them up this morning. The Hamburg poster turned out especially nice with a red mat and black frame. While I was there at the art gallery, I happened upon a really amazing canvas print (giclee) of a Raven. I had to ask if it was a photo or painting. The giclee canvas is mounted on a wood frame like an original painting might be. I left it there and came home with my two framed posters and about five hours later went back for my raven. I really shouldn't be buying art right now, but this thing practically followed me home. It's got a crescent moon and a raven and is absolutey simple and perfect. AND it is 33/99. Which in White-Stripe-Speak is really special (you'll have to take my word for it). I'll shoot my raven and post it soon. Till then, I've got Hamburg already on file--

Raven stuff

I scribble notes on my calendar about the ravens when out-of-the-ordinary behavior occurs. Because a significant thing happened this morning, I'm going to document the last month or so here, to get it all tied together. This will probably be extremely boring to anyone but myself.

February 19. Raven sex, a few feet away from my window.
It's been a long and very snowy winter and this seems too early given the several feet of snow out there. I am pretty sure that my feeding these birds really well, year-round, has messed with their biological clocks, since a similar thing happened last year.

Next note is:
March 9. Raven sex, again.

Then:
3/19, 20 & 21 no Raven showed up.
Highly unusual. I am their regular diner: breakfast, lunch and dinner.
3/22 One raven, 8:30a, total of two quick stops, then no more.
3/23 No Raven.
3/24 7:30a, One raven. Several trips for chicken, then gone for the whole day.
3/25 & 26 No Raven.
3/27 One raven a couple times in the morn, then gone.
3/28 & 29 No Raven.
3/30 One stop, one raven in the afternoon
Since April 1, One Raven has been showing up, pretty regular, but not nearly as much as the usual pair hanging around my yard. When it flies away with food, it almost always heads directly in the into the woods where its nest has been the last few years.

Then this morning, I waited and waited for a raven to show up. Finally, at 9:30a to my great surprise, TWO Ravens arrived for the first time since March 18. One day short of an entire month. I think maybe there was a failed nest. I suspected the same thing last year, and also know a 'successful' nesting did take place because they brought their three offspring to my yard...I wrote about this ordeal with their young earlier this year.
Maybe, if the nest was successful the young are old enough to be left alone for sometime? It is still quite cold (20's overnight and stays in the 30's much of the day) and still Lots of snow up here in this neighborhood, although not so much in sunnier, and lower altitude spots around town.
As I type this, a little less than hour after the pair showed up, they are both still out there, sitting on snowbanks. I think the nest failed.

Homage to a signature...

I've been steeped in Plath/Hughes stuff lately, shooting pics of some of my collection for my new blog and some of that has bled through to this blog too. I shot my Moon and Yew piece (and posted it) simply because I was in the room with my camera shooting books, etc. And when taking a picture of my bit of paper that has Sylvia's hand writ name on it, it reminded me of a poem I wrote a few years ago, trying to project how special I thought it was to have something in my hand that she had in hers. Posting the poem at my 'sylviaandtedcollection' blog is too much of a tangent to what I'm doing over there...so, I'll clutter up this blog with my poem.

....... .
Her Autograph

Spelled 40 years plus unknown more
No lapis sphinx or colossal marble arm-
Diamonds can dull and crumble,
Stars collapse into black
This tattooed bit of aged page,
Wears the crown; is the crown.

Touched, considered
Scrawled at her pace, with
Ink lassoed in flat, drab black-
On paper her hands casually clasped.
Curves, loops and that hung ahead dot,
Hovers over the empty spot.

Tangling myth with revered fact,
A prism of impressions dwell.
With séance glance i sense the strokes
As echoes from the past still ring
From her simple autograph,
Just a simple autograph.

Moon and Yew painting...

Yes, it is crooked, do not adjust your set...

I painted this little canvas a few years ago, trying to capture something that would sit nicely with Plath's poem, "The Moon and the Yew Tree." Thinking back, I have no idea what prompted me to try this. It turned out okay. I think I spent more time trying to pick a font type to print up the poem than I did painting the picture. As with all my paintings, it is extraordinarily amatuer...but was fun to do. Since the painting is on a (thin) canvas I used rolled paper to raise the printed poem up to the same height as the surface of the painting, then matted and framed the works. I used silver paint for the stars, so if the light hits them just right, they twinkle. If you click on the picture (as with all pics on this blog) it will expand the size.

Hal-e-effing-lu-yah

...my dog, she can hear some stuff. When I ask loudly, "Do you want it??!!?" rather loudly and referring to the fork full of pasta I am holding she says, BOOF!...which is business as usual in her fully hearing days. It's not a 'recovery' but I think she is hearing some stuff...and yes, she can eat off a fork, thanks for asking.